Six cheeseburgers in day

yuuuuuuummmmmmm.....


Back when I was just a very skinny and frail kid in highschool, I was so naïve. But who hasn’t? At one point in your life, you became innocent and clueless about so many things in this world. I once visited the Wax Museum at the newly built Shangrila Mall at that time and immediately got pissed off by the slow line. Until later on, I realized that I was standing in a line of wax statues! That’s why the weird guy infront of me is dressed up like Genghis Khan!

I often got into trouble because of my curiosity. Well, nobody told me pinching a girl’s butt is BAD! I just figured it out on my own…after having been slapped for how “God only knows” many times. I was even pissed off the first time that I slapped my female classmate back. I’m sorry, I never realized that hitting a girl was impolite, much more with bleeding gums.

I also thought that a McDonald’s cheeseburger is the ONLY cheese burger in the world. II thought that McDonald’s only have the sole rights to sell cheese burgers. Damn! I was wrong! That homosexual clown fooled me! Even Mayor McCheese and that humongous purple blob made a complete crap out of me (even though Grimace looked more like an oversize turd). I realized (upon reaching the age of 26) that you can eat a cheeseburger almost anywhere. You can eat a cheese burger from a coffee shop, from your school canteen (I thought it was just cheese sandwhich!), from a local carienderia, from a fast food outlet, HELL, you can even look for traces of it in a garbage can!

So now you might ask me: “What’s the most delicious cheeseburger you had tasted?”.

That’s a hard question. The taste of these burgers are already gone from my mouth…so I decided to pick a day to buy all of the best cheeseburgers around and put them in a contest I’m going to call “The Best Cheeseburger Contest!”. So much for creativity…now, I will randomly pick a cheeseburger and rate it for all you my dearest readers to see.

Jollibee Yum with Cheese

The biggest fastfood chain in the country eh? The trouble I have with Jollibee besides their naïve mascot who "accidentaly" touches people’s breasts during kiddie parties, is the fact their burgers are all the same. Whether it’s a regular Yum or with cheese, a Champ or a Junior, they taste the same...they taste like earthworms! They use only one kind of dressing and use the same patty, they would just add more ingredients depending what type of burger it is. With a chamo (for example) they would add more burger patties, tomatoes, lettuce and cheese…but still using the same dressing. So much for variety! But then, I’m just going to rate the cheeseburger, so the opinion I stated above would not help my judgment (except for that Jollibee maniac mascot).

Taste: 3/5
Ingredients: 1/5
Presentation: 2/5
Cleanliness: 3/5
Price: 4/5
Total: 2.8 / 5

Good: It’s the market leader!
Bad: Jollibee Yum with cheese doesn’t have an appeal to me, it’s very plain.
Bottomline: Do I look like a fish? I don’t like worms!

Wendy’s Cheese Burger

Wendy’s got salad. So what? How could a fast food be healthy?

It’s hard to find a Wendy’s joint nowadays, but it’s still open for 24 hours. It seems they never had the time to clean their stores as well (being open everytime has disadvantages). Maybe the crew that I always catch “catching some sleep” could be another reason, I believe there’s no shift schedule for these poor workers. This is a bad sign, Wendy’s would probably join it’s dear sister, “7 eleven”, to the unemployed list. Anyway, the cheeseburger is quite okay, but a square patty?! It’s a big no no. How could a square patty fit in a circular bun?

Taste: 3/5
Ingredients: 3/5
Presentation: 2/5
Cleanliness: 2/5
Price: 3/5
Total: 2.6

Good: The least grease among the rest.
Bad: Taste is below par.
Bottomline: The girl on the Wendy’s logo is a whore.

BM’s Bart Burger with Cheese

Burger Machine is the “more famous” 24-hour burger joint (since it’s available everywhere!). But it’s biggest downside is it’s store itself…the place is not clean at all, even the crew kept on picking their nose as I try to order. “Okay okay” you might even say, “but it’s cheaper right?”. Nope. You think I’ll get a better deal with this garbage bin? Nope. A Bart Burger with cheese is about 34 pesos! That’s way off! And it tastes like paper! Thanks to the coleslaw, the burger now tastes like a cold mayonnaise sandwich.

Taste: 1/5
Ingredients: 3/5
Presentation: 1/5
Cleanliness: 1/5
Price: 1/5
Total: 1.4

Good: It’s available anywhere, anytime.
Bad: You’re like eating straight from the trash can.
Bottomline: The burger on wheels should be leaving.

Scott Burger’s Cheese Burger

Aha! The cheapest of them all! Nothing beats it’s “Buy one Take one” promo! A promo that is probably around for fifteen freaking years (Record here! Longest promo!). I wonder why they would still consider it “due to insistent public demand?”, nobody even eats at their place anymore. The place is completely a bodega, all with spider webs, roaches and flies as large at cellphones would flock all over you. The burger patties are so small (as if they were cut in half…wait, that explains the promo!), so it’s just like eating a plain bread flavored with mothballs.

Taste: 0/5
Ingredients: 1/5
Presentation: 1/5
Cleanliness: 0/5
Price: 5/5
Total: 1.4

Good: The price!
Bad: But with that small price, you get nothing actually.
Bottomline: If you have money, please BUY REAL FOOD.

Hotshots Cheeseburger

I will tell you something about product placement…when you go to the other burger joints, you would have the liberty to choose a burger that fits you. Even though Wendy’s burgers are naturally big in the United States, they somehow “adjusted” the size of their burgers pertaining to the region. You could choose a regular burger or a Big Classic...depending on how big your stomach/wallet is. We are not in America. We are not huge, obese people that could eat a whole bucket of KFC chicken in one sitting. Don’t give us oversize burgers that costs so much! The trouble with Hotshots and even Brothers burger is they serve American sized meals…in the Philippines! I am not Mike Arroyo, I’m not a fat bastard! Burgers are good though.

Taste: 4/5
Ingredients: 4/5
Presentation: 3/5
Cleanliness: 3/5
Price: 0/5
Total: 2.8

Good: Very huge burger, could feed a whole family.
Bad: Very high price, for a regular burger.
Bottomline: If you are a fat bastard, you should be eating little children.

McDonalds Cheesburger

I guess this brings me back to my good old Michael Jackson clone, Ronald McDonald.
I still gave this burger the highest rating because of two things.
One, it has ingredients: ketsup, pickle relish, cheese and mustard! And these are the winning points! Nobody ever dared placing mustard or pickle relish on their burger (with exemption to Scott’s occasional rat tails are quite a charm). Second, I don’t have any! Because the first point explains it all!

It’s cheap, it’s quite clean, and it has pickle relish and mustard! Way to go!!!

Taste: 4/5
Ingredients: 4/5
Presentation: 3/5
Cleanliness: 4/5
Price: 4/5
Total: 3.8

Good: Best cheeseburger among them all
Bad: Ronald McDonald would probably fuck me in the ass for this
Bottomline: Pickle relish and mustard are like love, it could do miracles!

BEWARE OF TOM CRUISE (all caps)

Look at Tom Cruise. He's a lunatic.


In the upcoming movie “War of the Worlds”, the famous Hollywood actor, Tom Cruise, tries to save himself from dreaded aliens who want to destroy the world. In real life, the whole world (and maybe even the aliens) is trying to save itself from Tom Cruise.

If you happen to be an uninformed piece of idiot living under the rock with Fred Flintstone, it’s very likely that you’re unfamiliar with Tom Cruise. Well, he happens to be the most powerful Hollywood actor in the business….that alone commands a great deal of respect. Some people believes he’s perfect…very attractive, famous, wealthy, the most beautiful women in the world flock over him, but then again…nature proves that he’s not. Aside from having the difficulty to impregnate a woman, he is also a total wacko.

Wacko? Yes, a wacko. A looney, a crazy buffoon. Get it?

The lunatic streak went ablaze when he joined the religion of Scientology. It seems that Scientology needs him (or his bank account) more than he needs the religion. As you know, the religion of Scientology has been proven a fraud many times over the years, with hundreds of financial exploitation cases and mind manipulation. The people has to know that this is a financial institution, not a religion. It can officially be called a “cult”, a “cult” that believes that you should give them your money for there is a supreme being from another planet who would take us in the day of Judgement (sounds like HIS movie huh?). Scientology believes (this is true) that we posses a MASS of dead aliens (Thetans) from more than 75 million years ago, and we have to discover our inner selves to set them free (?).

Now, that is nerd stuff. Forget about Allah or Jesus, those atheists should look over this. OUR BODY CONTAINS A LARGE GROUP OF ALIEN IN CAPSULES!!! Not even a devoted Star Trek fan couldn’t think of that! So that’s why John Travolta (who’s career pummeled with the movie “Battlefield: Earth”) is a member of this cult! I just couldn’t understand why Jenna Elfman, Anne Archer, Kirstie Alley and even Nancy Cartwright (who does the voice of Bart Simpson) fall into this nerdish nonsense?

What’s next for Tom Cruise then? He found a woman 20 years younger, tries to implant aliens on her and falls in love. You could always see them making out…or “implanting the alien masses” in showbiz events, premieres etc.

Tom Cruise went on Oprah a few weeks later, jumping on the coach, acting like a 40 year old retard in front of an over-rated black woman who got kicked out of a Hermes store in Paris. Many people (including those old ladies in the audience who drives a car given to them for free) believe that Tom Cruise is not in love, he is just insane.

It seems the human host in the representation of Katie Holmes “aided” Tom Cruise to fulfill his “alienness” (if there is such a word). It seems nothing could disappoint the world’s most powerful actor now! Well, maybe a movie flop or a splash of water prank in a premiere would.

Yes, Tom Cruise lost his “happy and alienated” mood when some European pranksters splashed water on his face. He didn’t take it as a joke. He called them “jerk” so many times, more than the aliens that contained him. He did not only demanded an apology, but he wants imprisonment as well.

What happened to Tom Cruise? He now appeared in NBC’s Today Show with Matt Lauer, proclaiming again and again that Matt doesn’t know anything and lecturing him about the “evils” of psychiatry.

It seems Tom Cruise doesn’t believe in that. He even scolded the listeners, even addressing Brooke Shields and why did she took pills from her postpartum depression.

Cruise is quite demonstrative to Matt “You don't know the history of psychiatry, I do."

Cruise defended his claim that Shields was wrong to take depression pills to cure a crippling case of the baby blues after the birth of her daughter. ”The things I'm saying about Brooke is that there's misinformation, okay?" he said while lecturing Matt Lauer again, "she doesn't understand the history of psychiatry. She doesn't understand in the same way that you don't understand it, Matt." Oh my.


My dear readers, Tom is a high school dropout, he doesn’t even know chemistry…yet, he launched into a diatribe about mental illness - calling psychiatry a "pseudoscience" and anti-depressants "very dangerous." He insisted there's no such thing as a chemical imbalance and argued that mood disorders can be cured with "vitamins, exercise and various things.” (which includes alien implanting with Katie Holmes).

Hey Tom, can I also implant an alien to Katie? She’s a good brood isn’t she? By the way, don’t call Matt a glib, and don’t repeat it so many times that people would think that you’re a high school dropout. It seems that YOU need psychiatry. YOU NEED TO TAKE PILLS! Believing in aliens inside your internal organs is sick…really really SICK. You should start wearing that jacket with no holes for the hands.

Tom, you have millions of dollars in your wallet, why not spend it to cure yourself? You’re like that sick ugly guy in Vanilla Sky.

Wait…that WAS you.

If you haven't watched Star Wars yet...

Then you are too late.

Unless you're willing to watch at Times Cinema in Quiapo next month, theres no way you could watch Episode III in the big screen again. Some people would say that you're totally "out" for watching that Mark and Jennilyn film instead. Nerds would even insult you for not having the "balls" to watch the movie alone. Gay people would just tell you to suck their cocks instead. The muslims would "beat you to a pulp" for not buying the Pirated Dibidi version and praise Allah for the triumphant "personal Jihad" they had made upon your pitifull body.

To save yourself from such humiliation from people who doesn't know what's cool, I'll show you the film's highlights!



Mace Windu dies. Even if he had this very BROAD sword (which is more like a Light-Saber-Fan). He died because he is black. Niggers are bad people.


Obi Wan Kenobi also died. Anakin chocked him till sparks flew out of his left ear.



Yoda also died at this movie.You could see the poisonous snake that bit him on the right.



So that's it. Everybody dies except Anakin, who later became Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine and Jar Jar Binks.
Jar Jar Binks became a very important figure on Episode IV-VI. He guided Luke (Anakin's son) to the force, defeated Bobba Fett in an underwater scene (it's a Mesa-exciting duel!), and had an illicit affair with Chewbacca. Now who said he's annoying?

An old man and his great films...

A friend in New Jersey recently “IMed” me, asking who I think is the world’s greatest comedy genius. It seems pretty off topic since we’ve been discussing on how cows could go to the moon, it’s a very serious conversation really, I often thought of milk powered rockets strapped on the cow’s back…anything about rocket science is serious stuff!

ANYWAY, I’m ready to answer her back “What kind of fucking question is that?!” until something pops into my mind! Aside from Hershey Chocolate bars, I thought of my favorite comedian, who also became famous as a writer, filmmaker and producer, Mel Brooks. He may not be the world’s greatest comedy genius, but definitely the greatest in my book! (or BLOG for that matter). He’s an old man, married to the late Anne Bancroft (who just died a few weeks ago), and I always remember him doing the silly “oldest man in the world” comedy bit. I believe he’s now making a broadway translation of his famous film “The Producers”. He is truly the master of parodies, an inspiration to other filmmakers like David Zucker (Naked Gun series).

His films are also the best Hollywood could offer, most of these are on my top ten list of greatest comedy movies of all time. Other films included are Monty Pythons “Holy Grail” and “Life of Brain”, Airplane, and There’s something about Mary. If you have a large amount of time at your hand, you could try sourcing out these rare Mel Brooks films and I guarantee you that all of the searching’s worth it.

Robin Hood: Men in Tights (1993)
Stars Cary Elwes (as Robin Hood), Richard Lewis (Prince John), Dave Chappelle, Tracey Ullmann

A parody of numerous Robin Hood movies, the film spoofed the Kevin Costner version in particular. Robin returns from the Crusades to discover that his castle is gone, and all that is left is a blind servant (who reads Playboy in “Brail”). Robin succeeds in uniting a band of peasants, and then proceeds to battle corruption, save the country, and win the heart of Maid Marian (which is wearing a tough chastity belt).

This movie is really amusing. Not much of intelligent conversations but more of slapstick and goof -offs that even kids would enjoy. I really miss Richard Lewis, he’s truly one of the best stand up comics around. This film also features a “not so famous YET” Dave Chappelle. I need to learn the english grammar.

Space Balls (1987)
Stars Mel Brooks, John Candy, Rick Moranis, Bill Pullman,

A parody of Science Fiction movies, especially Star Wars, Wizard of Oz, Planet of the Apes, Star Trek, 2001: A Space Odyssey, Alien and everything they could ever remember.

I remember Dom Deluise doing the voice of Pizza the Hut (never fails to crack me up!), Jim Jackman as Major Asshole, and Rick Moranis as his usual nerdish role as “Darth Vader”. This movie really is intended for the fans of the sci-fi movies.

Dracula: Dead and Loving it (1995)
Stars Leslie Neilsen, Mel Brooks, Peter McNicol, Steven Weber

Of course, a parody of all the Dracula Films, specially Bram Stroker’s Dracula.

Not as spectacular as Young Frankenstein, but this movie would always make me laugh, even if I see this over and over again. Best lines are from Mel Brooks himself: “And she will beome one herself!”…the line isn’t funny, but it’s how he said it twice. Others are from Peter McNicol who acts as Renfield, the secret assistant of Dracula, he yelled at him in front of the crowd: “Master! Master! I mean…Mister! Mister!”.




Blazing Saddles (1974)
Stars Cleavon Little, Gene Wilder, Slim Pickens, Madeline Kahn, Harvey Korman

A parody of numerous westerns, Blazing Saddles is Mel Brooks' best known movie. A town full of people named Johnson stands in the way of the railroad, and a somewhat unscrupulous politician wants to buy the land that the railroad is to be built on. So he tries to make the townspeople want to leave by sending gangs through the town. When this plan fails, he sends the first Black sheriff in the West to them, thinking it will make them leave. But the sheriff, a reformed alcholic outlaw, and the entire town decide to stand against the politician's forces.

This is the very first Mel Brooks movie I’ve seen and it inspired me to follow Mel Brook’s work. This film was also nominated in 1975 for Best Film Editing, Best Music Song, and Best Supporting Actress (Madeline Kahn) at the Oscars.

Young Frankenstein (1974)

A parody of numerous Frankenstein movies, the film was shot in black and white to simulate the old monster movie feeling. This is Mel Brook’s BEST comedy film. Period. You should see this old film! I really recommend it!

Who could forget the Monster's encounter with a bearded, blind, clumsy hermit (Gene Hackman in a cameo role), a parody of the same scene in Bride of Frankenstein (1935). He spills hot soup in the creature's lap, accidentally breaks their wine glasses during a toast, and lights the monster's thumb instead of his cigar.


The Producers (1969)

I believe this is Mel Brook’s first made film, it won an Oscar for Best Writing, Story, and Screenplay in 1969. Gene Wilder was nominated for an Oscar for Best Supporting Actor.

Max Bialystock is a theatrical producer who sweet-talks rich old women to get them to invest in his Broadway plays. Then he meets Leo Bloom, who innocently realizes that if Max were to get a lot of money to invest in play which was a guaranteed flop, that they would be rich. The two then proceed to find the worst play ever written, obtain a large number of investors, hire a lead actor and director with absolutely no talent, and then sit back to wait for the bad reviews. The plan is faultless.....at least they think so...

The story is unforgettable and downright hilarious. I don't know if ACA or Video City still have this film, I guess this is a hard find.


So there! If I would rank the films, try to get The Producers, Young Frankenstein and Blazing Saddles first. These are true classics...cannot be compared to the ones we have now. Who said old movies are not funny? You should really try finding these titles, you won’t regret it!

Nang nga-quit si San Pedro sa langit...

Comment: Here's a script I made two years ago. Quite old eh? I hope you'll like it, kahit mukhang nabasa nyo na sa lumang website ko. Hehehehe. See you in a few days.



* Isang araw, sa pintuan ng kalangitan ng Diyos



Pedro: Pangalan?

Telemarketer: Artemio De Jesus po, Panginoon.

San Pedro: Hindi ako ang Panginoon, ako si San Pedro.

Telemarketer: Whoa! San Pedro? You live in Laguna?

San Pedro: Lugar yun anak sa Pilipinas. Ako ang tunay na San Pedro, alagad ni Kristo.

Telemarketer: Iglesia ka pala…nasa langit po ba ako Don Pedro?

San Pedro: SAN PEDRO. SAN PEDRO pangalan ko at hindi ako brandy!

Telemarketer: Sorry po SAN PEDRO!

San Pedro: Ano ang trabaho mo sa lupa?

Telemarketer: Sa call center po. Minsan night shifts pero ngayon hindi na.

San Pedro: Alam ko, patay ka na eh.

Telemarketer: Hindi po, before I went here naging credit collector po ako.

San Pedro: At ano naman ginagawa nun?

Telemarketer: Tinatawagan ko po yung may mga utang sa Citibank credit card tapos tinatakot ko po para magbayad na.

San Pedro: Takot? Paanong tinatakot?

Telemarketer: I tell them "Gago ka! Magbayad ka na kundi idedemanda kita hayop ka! Tang ina mo ka! Mabubulok ka sa kulungan magpakailanman pag hindi ka nagbayad! ". Yung tipong ganun.

San Pedro: Well…hindi ko na kailangan tingnan sa libro kung listado ka dito sa langit, Pwede ka nang bumaba sa impyerno. Thank you for visiting….NEXT!

CMA: Good morning po San Pedro.

San Pedro: (smiles) Welcome anak sa kaharian ng Diyos! Pangalan?

CMA: Kristina Lantian po.

San Pedro: Ano naging trabaho mo bago ka nakarating dito anak?

CMA: Christian Ministry Aid po?

San Pedro: Tagapaglingkod ka pala! Magaling! Ano ba ginagawa ng Christian Ministry Aid?

CMA: Tinutulungan po si Supereme Brother po.

San Pedro: Sa anong bagay? Saan?

CMA: Sa healing sessions po. Nagpapapanggap po akong pilay, kaya nagsasaklay po ako.Tapos magdadrama po ako sa kanya, tapos kunwari makakalakad na ako, tapos hahawakanniya ako sa ulo tapos hihimatayin po ako...as in BLAG! Lagpak sa stage. Tapos…tapos… ganun po.

San Pedro: Makakaalis ka na, subukan mo na lang sa iba. NEXT!!!

Sabongero: Langit po ba ito?

San Pedro: Tama ka iho. Ano pangalan?

Sabongero: Bhong po. Almatico po ipelyido ko, isa po akong sabongero.

San Pedro: Sabongero?!

Sabongero: Aba! Makabayan po na libangan po iyan. Naalala ko po na ako'y inatakenung nanalo po ako ng pitong libo sa dalusapi ni Ka Pedring.

San Pedro: NE….

Sabongero: Sandali lang! Kaibigan ko naman po ang Kristo eh. Araw araw ko po siyang kinakausap, lalo na pag kailangan ko ng tulong. Magkaibigan po kami!

San Pedro: Kaibigan mo ang Panginoong Hesukristo?

Sabongero: Ha? Si Elmer po, yung kristo sa sabungan namin ang sinasabi ko.

San Pedro: NEXT!!!

Sabongero: Teka teka…alam mo ba kung paano ko makukuwa yung pinanalo ko?

San Pedro: Hindi mo na kayang magdala ng mga material na bagay sa pupuntahan mo Bhong.

Sabongero: Teka…huling tanong. Magkano mo binebenta yang manok mong Zamboanga white?

San Pedro: NEXT!!!

Rebelde: Ano pong lugar ito?

San Pedro: Ito ang kalangitan! Sino ka naman iho?

Rebelde: Isa po akong rebeldeng muslim.

San Pedro: Pasensya ka na at hindi ka Kristyano…hindi ka welcome dito, nagpaloko ka sa Koran. Goodbye. NEXT!!!

Crew: (looks at San Pedro's rooster) Sir? Mukhang maganda yang manok mo ah.

San Pedro: Sino ka ba iho?

Crew: Janggo Cruz, crew po ng Kentucky Fried Chicken.

San Pedro: NEXT!!!

Agaton: Magandang araw po San Pedro.

San Pedro: Pasensya na iho kung medyo mainit ulo ko, ano pangalan mo?

Agaton: Si brother Agaton po. Iglesia po ako.

San Pedro: Ay hindi ka rin pwede.

Agaton: Teka teka! Pareho lang naman tayo ng Diyos ah!!!

San Pedro: Kaya lang hindi mo tinaggap si Kristo bilang Diyos.

Agaton: Pero pareho lang tayo ng Diyos! Si Manalo diba?!

San Pedro: NEXT!!!

Sabongero: Pasensya na po San Pedro...may tanong po ako...last na lang.

San Pedro: IKAW NA NAMAN?!!! ANO NA NAMAN KAILANGAN MO?!

Sabongero: Kasi po, bukod sa sabong, nangangarera po din ako eh.

San Pedro: Eh ano ngayon kung nangangarera ka iho?!

Sabongero: Tanong ko po lang kung nasaan po si San Lazaro?

San Pedro: NNNNEEEEEXXXXTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!




By Agaton

Star Wars Review (sort of)

Lucas is teaching Christensen how to act like a dead tree stump.


By now, you should have experienced the hype factor of the latest (and the last) Star Wars film, Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. If you’re not a Star Wars fan and would keep on bothering me with questions like “Who’s Obi Wan Kenobi?”, you should turn off your prepaid internet connection and do something worth your time, like watching Willie Revillame’s wedding at Channel 2.

For those who are still interested, here’s my review:

A long, long time ago…in a galaxy far far away, there comes a young and powerful Jedi named Anakin Skywalker. This character is played by Hayden Christiensen, who acts like a lifeless turd and a boulder rolling over a cliff could do a better acting job.

Anakin, as we all know, would soon turn into the evil Sith Lord named Darth Vader. He will conquer the Jedi and put an end to the Council and bring peace to the galaxy by implicating fear and destruction. Since the time he massacred all the sand people who kidnapped his mother, he became a true murderer…but you can’t see it through Hayden Christiansen’s face because he is a very awful actor that R2-D2 could deliver more dramatic lines in a play like Hamlet.

The story begins with Obi Wan and Anakin in a mission to rescue of Senator Palpatine, who we all now as Lord Sidious. Count Cuckoo…err…Dooku made a cameo appearance, only to be decapitated by Anakin later on. This proves that Anakin truly is a murderous murderer of children and really old men who were popularly known playing Dracula. And the story deepens after that. Well…not actually.

The war just continued until the republic clones turned heel and Anakin pushes Mace Windu through the window with the help of the helpless old Palpatine and his lighting bolt.

Poor Windu.

Anakin then went on a crying spree that bored audiences to death, until he decided to serve the Sith. The world hated him, that’s why. Anakin went again on a massacre spree to the Jedi Council, the Trade Council and separatists. It’s all about murder! Murder here, massacre there…till he went face to face with his master and friend, Obi Wan Kenobi. Anakin already did the “Jedi choke hold trick “on her pregnant wife because she refuses intercourse and now looses both legs and an arm to his former mentor. It was supposed to be dramatic. Imagine, two friends who acts like brothers fighting to death because the younger one is a murderer….that supposed to be dramatic right? Or maybe the way Anakin is burning at the shore of the lava beach should bring that tear to your eye?

Anyway, after the “supposed to be epic battle”, we have to encounter a scene of two operating tables: one is Padme giving birth to twins (who we know as Luke and Leia, two siblings who are popularly known for practicing incest), the other is Anakin…replacing his limbs with mechanical arms like a futuristic Frankenstein and placing a life support system over that cool black mask.

When Vader rose, it was all James Earl Jones from there. It is where he put all the "Vader Money's" worth.

As you can see, that’s the whole 2 hours and a half in a nutshell. I have some comments though (besides Anakin’s poor acting):

1. Padme Amidala, besides wearing that ugly makeup, has that “ensyamada roll” hairstyle Leia also had. So it means only one thing…C3PO is a gay robot. WHY? C3PO took care of both women! He’s the only connection to both mother and daughter!

Finally, we can conclude that C3PO is GAY. C3PO is a GAY robot!!! You hear me? GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY ROOOOOOOOBBBBBOOOOT!!!

2. Mace Windu is probably the best Jedi fighter in the Council. Bar none. Definitely younger and stronger (but not wiser, of course) than Yoda. Then why did he died that easily?!!!!Falling over a window?!!! Jedi’s can jump and balance on air you idiots! Give him a dignified death!

3. What’s with General Grievous annoying cough? I know Mace Windu did crush his chest at "Episode 25 of the Clone Wars cartoon series" but…does this android have lungs?! I could see he had some skin on his face and some floating organs near his navel, but lungs?! He could breathe in outer space yet he had lungs?!

4. Count Dukoo was unbeatable at Episode 2. I dunno what’s with the quick death.

5. Did George wrote the script? The dialogue were as subtle as a brick to your face! When Yoda and Obi Wan saw the wreckage done at the Jedi Council, Obi wants to find out who had done this by viewing the security records, then came Yoda saying “If the security tapes you view, only pain will it bring” WHAT THE F…is that?!

6. Did Palpatine knew (in one way or the other) that Anakin is an immaculate conception of his “father” (Darth Plagueis)? Who was the great Sith Lord who could create life itself? I knew Palpatine was “the apprentice” who killed his Master in his slumber (betrayal is a common thing for Siths).

7. What’s with all the amputee-fetishes going on the series?

8. Ian Mcdiarmid was the only one who did his job well (being Palpatine). The droids still have human emotions, Natalie Portman seems to forgot how to act with all that green screen, and Yoda still sounds like grover.

9. The Obi Wan/Grievous was over way toooo soon. Grievous was the only reason I even watched the last film!

10. Putting Chewbacca in the movie was completely unneccessary. I don’t even consider that freaking coward as a wookie.

11. I felt no love between Anakin and Padme. They don’t even had a humping scene! How did Padme became a mother without an impregnating scene?!



So that’s it! It’s all space battles and light sabers poorly edited together. I even thought they edited all those stuff on PowerPoint!

Anyway, if you have no idea what Star Wars is about and you decided to watch the movie to be in the hype (or because you don't want to be left behind)...it's too late. I suggest you go back watching tele-novelas and leave the geeks alone.