Six cheeseburgers in day

yuuuuuuummmmmmm.....


Back when I was just a very skinny and frail kid in highschool, I was so naïve. But who hasn’t? At one point in your life, you became innocent and clueless about so many things in this world. I once visited the Wax Museum at the newly built Shangrila Mall at that time and immediately got pissed off by the slow line. Until later on, I realized that I was standing in a line of wax statues! That’s why the weird guy infront of me is dressed up like Genghis Khan!

I often got into trouble because of my curiosity. Well, nobody told me pinching a girl’s butt is BAD! I just figured it out on my own…after having been slapped for how “God only knows” many times. I was even pissed off the first time that I slapped my female classmate back. I’m sorry, I never realized that hitting a girl was impolite, much more with bleeding gums.

I also thought that a McDonald’s cheeseburger is the ONLY cheese burger in the world. II thought that McDonald’s only have the sole rights to sell cheese burgers. Damn! I was wrong! That homosexual clown fooled me! Even Mayor McCheese and that humongous purple blob made a complete crap out of me (even though Grimace looked more like an oversize turd). I realized (upon reaching the age of 26) that you can eat a cheeseburger almost anywhere. You can eat a cheese burger from a coffee shop, from your school canteen (I thought it was just cheese sandwhich!), from a local carienderia, from a fast food outlet, HELL, you can even look for traces of it in a garbage can!

So now you might ask me: “What’s the most delicious cheeseburger you had tasted?”.

That’s a hard question. The taste of these burgers are already gone from my mouth…so I decided to pick a day to buy all of the best cheeseburgers around and put them in a contest I’m going to call “The Best Cheeseburger Contest!”. So much for creativity…now, I will randomly pick a cheeseburger and rate it for all you my dearest readers to see.

Jollibee Yum with Cheese

The biggest fastfood chain in the country eh? The trouble I have with Jollibee besides their naïve mascot who "accidentaly" touches people’s breasts during kiddie parties, is the fact their burgers are all the same. Whether it’s a regular Yum or with cheese, a Champ or a Junior, they taste the same...they taste like earthworms! They use only one kind of dressing and use the same patty, they would just add more ingredients depending what type of burger it is. With a chamo (for example) they would add more burger patties, tomatoes, lettuce and cheese…but still using the same dressing. So much for variety! But then, I’m just going to rate the cheeseburger, so the opinion I stated above would not help my judgment (except for that Jollibee maniac mascot).

Taste: 3/5
Ingredients: 1/5
Presentation: 2/5
Cleanliness: 3/5
Price: 4/5
Total: 2.8 / 5

Good: It’s the market leader!
Bad: Jollibee Yum with cheese doesn’t have an appeal to me, it’s very plain.
Bottomline: Do I look like a fish? I don’t like worms!

Wendy’s Cheese Burger

Wendy’s got salad. So what? How could a fast food be healthy?

It’s hard to find a Wendy’s joint nowadays, but it’s still open for 24 hours. It seems they never had the time to clean their stores as well (being open everytime has disadvantages). Maybe the crew that I always catch “catching some sleep” could be another reason, I believe there’s no shift schedule for these poor workers. This is a bad sign, Wendy’s would probably join it’s dear sister, “7 eleven”, to the unemployed list. Anyway, the cheeseburger is quite okay, but a square patty?! It’s a big no no. How could a square patty fit in a circular bun?

Taste: 3/5
Ingredients: 3/5
Presentation: 2/5
Cleanliness: 2/5
Price: 3/5
Total: 2.6

Good: The least grease among the rest.
Bad: Taste is below par.
Bottomline: The girl on the Wendy’s logo is a whore.

BM’s Bart Burger with Cheese

Burger Machine is the “more famous” 24-hour burger joint (since it’s available everywhere!). But it’s biggest downside is it’s store itself…the place is not clean at all, even the crew kept on picking their nose as I try to order. “Okay okay” you might even say, “but it’s cheaper right?”. Nope. You think I’ll get a better deal with this garbage bin? Nope. A Bart Burger with cheese is about 34 pesos! That’s way off! And it tastes like paper! Thanks to the coleslaw, the burger now tastes like a cold mayonnaise sandwich.

Taste: 1/5
Ingredients: 3/5
Presentation: 1/5
Cleanliness: 1/5
Price: 1/5
Total: 1.4

Good: It’s available anywhere, anytime.
Bad: You’re like eating straight from the trash can.
Bottomline: The burger on wheels should be leaving.

Scott Burger’s Cheese Burger

Aha! The cheapest of them all! Nothing beats it’s “Buy one Take one” promo! A promo that is probably around for fifteen freaking years (Record here! Longest promo!). I wonder why they would still consider it “due to insistent public demand?”, nobody even eats at their place anymore. The place is completely a bodega, all with spider webs, roaches and flies as large at cellphones would flock all over you. The burger patties are so small (as if they were cut in half…wait, that explains the promo!), so it’s just like eating a plain bread flavored with mothballs.

Taste: 0/5
Ingredients: 1/5
Presentation: 1/5
Cleanliness: 0/5
Price: 5/5
Total: 1.4

Good: The price!
Bad: But with that small price, you get nothing actually.
Bottomline: If you have money, please BUY REAL FOOD.

Hotshots Cheeseburger

I will tell you something about product placement…when you go to the other burger joints, you would have the liberty to choose a burger that fits you. Even though Wendy’s burgers are naturally big in the United States, they somehow “adjusted” the size of their burgers pertaining to the region. You could choose a regular burger or a Big Classic...depending on how big your stomach/wallet is. We are not in America. We are not huge, obese people that could eat a whole bucket of KFC chicken in one sitting. Don’t give us oversize burgers that costs so much! The trouble with Hotshots and even Brothers burger is they serve American sized meals…in the Philippines! I am not Mike Arroyo, I’m not a fat bastard! Burgers are good though.

Taste: 4/5
Ingredients: 4/5
Presentation: 3/5
Cleanliness: 3/5
Price: 0/5
Total: 2.8

Good: Very huge burger, could feed a whole family.
Bad: Very high price, for a regular burger.
Bottomline: If you are a fat bastard, you should be eating little children.

McDonalds Cheesburger

I guess this brings me back to my good old Michael Jackson clone, Ronald McDonald.
I still gave this burger the highest rating because of two things.
One, it has ingredients: ketsup, pickle relish, cheese and mustard! And these are the winning points! Nobody ever dared placing mustard or pickle relish on their burger (with exemption to Scott’s occasional rat tails are quite a charm). Second, I don’t have any! Because the first point explains it all!

It’s cheap, it’s quite clean, and it has pickle relish and mustard! Way to go!!!

Taste: 4/5
Ingredients: 4/5
Presentation: 3/5
Cleanliness: 4/5
Price: 4/5
Total: 3.8

Good: Best cheeseburger among them all
Bad: Ronald McDonald would probably fuck me in the ass for this
Bottomline: Pickle relish and mustard are like love, it could do miracles!