Star Wars Review (sort of)

Lucas is teaching Christensen how to act like a dead tree stump.


By now, you should have experienced the hype factor of the latest (and the last) Star Wars film, Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. If you’re not a Star Wars fan and would keep on bothering me with questions like “Who’s Obi Wan Kenobi?”, you should turn off your prepaid internet connection and do something worth your time, like watching Willie Revillame’s wedding at Channel 2.

For those who are still interested, here’s my review:

A long, long time ago…in a galaxy far far away, there comes a young and powerful Jedi named Anakin Skywalker. This character is played by Hayden Christiensen, who acts like a lifeless turd and a boulder rolling over a cliff could do a better acting job.

Anakin, as we all know, would soon turn into the evil Sith Lord named Darth Vader. He will conquer the Jedi and put an end to the Council and bring peace to the galaxy by implicating fear and destruction. Since the time he massacred all the sand people who kidnapped his mother, he became a true murderer…but you can’t see it through Hayden Christiansen’s face because he is a very awful actor that R2-D2 could deliver more dramatic lines in a play like Hamlet.

The story begins with Obi Wan and Anakin in a mission to rescue of Senator Palpatine, who we all now as Lord Sidious. Count Cuckoo…err…Dooku made a cameo appearance, only to be decapitated by Anakin later on. This proves that Anakin truly is a murderous murderer of children and really old men who were popularly known playing Dracula. And the story deepens after that. Well…not actually.

The war just continued until the republic clones turned heel and Anakin pushes Mace Windu through the window with the help of the helpless old Palpatine and his lighting bolt.

Poor Windu.

Anakin then went on a crying spree that bored audiences to death, until he decided to serve the Sith. The world hated him, that’s why. Anakin went again on a massacre spree to the Jedi Council, the Trade Council and separatists. It’s all about murder! Murder here, massacre there…till he went face to face with his master and friend, Obi Wan Kenobi. Anakin already did the “Jedi choke hold trick “on her pregnant wife because she refuses intercourse and now looses both legs and an arm to his former mentor. It was supposed to be dramatic. Imagine, two friends who acts like brothers fighting to death because the younger one is a murderer….that supposed to be dramatic right? Or maybe the way Anakin is burning at the shore of the lava beach should bring that tear to your eye?

Anyway, after the “supposed to be epic battle”, we have to encounter a scene of two operating tables: one is Padme giving birth to twins (who we know as Luke and Leia, two siblings who are popularly known for practicing incest), the other is Anakin…replacing his limbs with mechanical arms like a futuristic Frankenstein and placing a life support system over that cool black mask.

When Vader rose, it was all James Earl Jones from there. It is where he put all the "Vader Money's" worth.

As you can see, that’s the whole 2 hours and a half in a nutshell. I have some comments though (besides Anakin’s poor acting):

1. Padme Amidala, besides wearing that ugly makeup, has that “ensyamada roll” hairstyle Leia also had. So it means only one thing…C3PO is a gay robot. WHY? C3PO took care of both women! He’s the only connection to both mother and daughter!

Finally, we can conclude that C3PO is GAY. C3PO is a GAY robot!!! You hear me? GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY ROOOOOOOOBBBBBOOOOT!!!

2. Mace Windu is probably the best Jedi fighter in the Council. Bar none. Definitely younger and stronger (but not wiser, of course) than Yoda. Then why did he died that easily?!!!!Falling over a window?!!! Jedi’s can jump and balance on air you idiots! Give him a dignified death!

3. What’s with General Grievous annoying cough? I know Mace Windu did crush his chest at "Episode 25 of the Clone Wars cartoon series" but…does this android have lungs?! I could see he had some skin on his face and some floating organs near his navel, but lungs?! He could breathe in outer space yet he had lungs?!

4. Count Dukoo was unbeatable at Episode 2. I dunno what’s with the quick death.

5. Did George wrote the script? The dialogue were as subtle as a brick to your face! When Yoda and Obi Wan saw the wreckage done at the Jedi Council, Obi wants to find out who had done this by viewing the security records, then came Yoda saying “If the security tapes you view, only pain will it bring” WHAT THE F…is that?!

6. Did Palpatine knew (in one way or the other) that Anakin is an immaculate conception of his “father” (Darth Plagueis)? Who was the great Sith Lord who could create life itself? I knew Palpatine was “the apprentice” who killed his Master in his slumber (betrayal is a common thing for Siths).

7. What’s with all the amputee-fetishes going on the series?

8. Ian Mcdiarmid was the only one who did his job well (being Palpatine). The droids still have human emotions, Natalie Portman seems to forgot how to act with all that green screen, and Yoda still sounds like grover.

9. The Obi Wan/Grievous was over way toooo soon. Grievous was the only reason I even watched the last film!

10. Putting Chewbacca in the movie was completely unneccessary. I don’t even consider that freaking coward as a wookie.

11. I felt no love between Anakin and Padme. They don’t even had a humping scene! How did Padme became a mother without an impregnating scene?!



So that’s it! It’s all space battles and light sabers poorly edited together. I even thought they edited all those stuff on PowerPoint!

Anyway, if you have no idea what Star Wars is about and you decided to watch the movie to be in the hype (or because you don't want to be left behind)...it's too late. I suggest you go back watching tele-novelas and leave the geeks alone.