Idiot’s guide to a "high socialite life" part 1

Sadly, socialites idolize this pathetic faggot.


If in case you browse this blog by mistake, then this is the luckiest mistake you’ve had in your life. So stop surfing on nude children and read something with more sense.

In case you missed the title I wrote above (since it doesn’t contain any words related to “children” and “smutt”) it’s my very first “Idiot’s guide” article. This time, I’ll help you poor social climbers to be at par with the so called “IN” crowd. You don’t want to be left behind don’t you? In this superficial world where good things are stuff that people are ashamed of, you don’t want to be a nobody.

"But wait a minute Agaton!" you might say, "These type of people shouldn't be imitated! Surely, you know that?!". Indeed, you have a point. But being the immature asshole that I am, I would still help social climbers to be at par with the likes of Gretchen Barretto.

Now let's get back to the topic, shall we?

How would you know you’re a nobody? It’s simple, answer these questions:

If you answer a “NO”, please stop immediately and proceed directly to the guide below.

1. Are you surfing on your OWN (not rented) computer?
2. Is this a notebook computer? (laptops, for the un-updated lay person)
3. If yes, are you using an 802.11b WIFI Connection?
4. Are you in a WIFI connected area?
5. If yes…are currently you drinking coffee that costs more than a hundred fifty pesos?

If you said “YES” on all the questions, please stop now and look at the mirror,it’s either you’re a rich socialite or a rich geek. Rich geeks are still rejects, sorry.


THE GUIDE

Here are the rules the you MUST follow:


1. Accept that you are an idiot

That’s why I call it an idiot’s guide. You decided to read this guide because you believe that you are an idiot in this field. Well, you could be an idiot in general, who knows? But the lesson I’m trying to lay out here is “knowing and accepting” yourself…you’ve been denying yourself for too long pal.Now that you’re done with the hardest part…I strongly suggest you go on…


2. “SM” is a social sin

If you want to be “sosyal” then avoid going or even mentioning “Shoe Mart”.SM is an abbreviation for “Sa Masa”. Have you visited it’s food court? How about Goldilocks? It is one of the most disgusting places on earth, and the food they serve there are the same stuff served in hell. Common people, moggles, jologs, whatever you call them…visit these places, they would go to a nearby SM wearing slippers and spitting on the tiled floors.

If you aim to be a socialite, you should be in Alabang Town Center, in Greenbelt, Shangri-La, or Power Plant. Glorietta is slowly being engulfed by “masa” (those floor spitters) and Podium is owned by SM (yuck!), so you should stay away from those places as well.


3. Prepare to “Name Drop”, “Brand Drop”, and “Place Drop”

Socialites have a way of identifying the fakes in their group, and this is requires some rich social intelligence. I’m not saying these are smart people, most of them are dumber than a paper plate, but they definitely have a lot of “above Class A” type of acquaintances, know a lot of expensive (and very rare) brand names, and rich locations (you should practice naming those places in Europe!). So be prepared to be “socially” educated as well!

I would help you with brands:

Don’t say Penshoppe or Bench…say Top Shop or Mango.

Don’t say Leonardo Bags, please…say Burberry or Loius Vuitton.

Don't say Step-in, Spartan or Advan...say Florsheim or Naturalizer.

When you talk about Japanese food, don’t mention Tokyo Tokyo, it’s the Japanses fastfood resto for cheapskates who buy inedible food. You could safely mention Teriyaki Boy or Saisaki at least.

Starbucks is where the “semi-moggles” go. They save up for a week justto get a frapuccino or white mocha and stay there till death. Go where the socialites call as “alternatives”. UCC is one good example or even Figaro.But please, keep you voice down when talking to a friend, and don’t mention anything you saw in GMA 7 or Abs-Cbn, or how good the Sex Bomb Dancers are. The rich brats are the one who does the loud yakking, even on a cellphone. They just want to be recognized, that’s all. What’s more important than being recognized in this world of fakes right?

Remember, when eating out, only order salad. Socialites only eat salad at restaurants.They eat all the gross, fattening stuff at home. But when people are present, they always want to be a health buff. If not, they would always be assertive. I remember this fat woman in Fridays who ordered a cheeseburger full of fries, chicken fingers, and fried mozzarella but cancelled all her orders and left when she discovered that they have no “diet coke” available.

Remember, socialites know nothing about street foods, so don’t even try to brag your knowledge about it. They don’t even know what a fishball or minalamig is. So please don’t mention anything that costs lower than a hundred bucks each.

4. If you don’t have a cellphone with color, cam and video player, hide it please!!!

If you still posses an old type of phone, hide it in their presence. Remember, cellphones are social IDs for them. They could easily identify you with your phone. You should also have an MP3 player (an iPod) with you too. And NEVER EVER mention anything about Pasa-load or prepaid.

to be contiued...(believe or not!)