I don't want to be the next Pope...

Now, he is truly ONE with the force.



...because I'm not qualified.

But as you know, (maybe you have known this from the news or you're a Dan Brown fan) there would be a "conclave" of cardinals where they would vote and decide a new Pope amongst them. This is a very spiritual, sacred and "secret" act that they would never leave the "conclave" without giving the Roman Catholic church a new Spiritual Leader.

In the olden times, the process always took a vast amount of time. Wherein the cardinals finally decides on a new Pope out of hunger or boredom.

With only a week before the 18th of April, where the process would begin, the Catholic church remains still (like Regine Velasquez's fake nose). There are tough contenders from Italy (they desperately want it back to them), and even more on third world countries. Here's a list of the top Papal candidates frequently mentioned by scholars, journalists and other Vatican watchers.

Francis Arinze, 72, Nigerian, a Vatican official. For many years, the top Catholic leader from Africa. Key figure arranging interfaith dialogue among Catholics, Muslims and Hindus. Very famous among the lay people, since he could possibly be the first Black Pope. The Papal Bling-Bling. Gangsta-pope. Diggit?

Angelo Scola, 63, patriarch of Venice. Popular among cardinals who want to return the papacy to Italy but prefer a tough follower of John Paul's ideas. There are three more strong candidates from Italy, all gay.

Claudio Hummes, 70, archbishop of Sao Paulo, Brazil. A Franciscan priest, strong on interfaith relations and the needs of poor people. A strong candidate from Latin America...which now has 21 voting Cardinals, who could be called "The Papal Posse" in the near future.

Yoda, 900, Jedi Master, Senior member of the Jedi Concil, strong candidates among geeks. Can wield a light saber, thanks to ILM. Speaks backward. Sounds like Sesame Street's Grover on crack. Many believed he was dead on Dagobah.

Micheal Pope, 55, crappy british actor, thought he was a candidate. Stupid brits.




Jeff Goldblum, 52, famous actor, mathematician, chaos theorist, could predict the doom of civil society, science and technology. Total ass.


For Dan Brown fans, sorry...there is no anti-matter, fags.