Confessions of a game whore

I'm a dork.



After playing Anarchy Online (AO) for a week using different characters (simultaneously!), the Pope died.

I think it’s a sign.

A sign for me to turn off my computer for the first time in days and quit the MMORPG crap.

For those of you who are still clueless…AO has a large gaming world and you have all the freedom in your hands. It starts with a registration of character, where I chose a race of brutes named Atrox. I also chose a profession they call an enforcer…or simply, a player who bashes things in close combat. I started giving names that continuously rejected by the server, saying that the name has already taken. So I started giving weird names (those names no one would ever think of…or even use) like fatfatfatbastard, biguglydork, shiteater, gaylord, idonthaveagirlthatiswhyiplaygames, but ended with a name as simple as Guurg (because Gurg is taken as well).

You would always start as this hopeless survivor in the same spaceship, it crashes into what they call “noob island”. Noob, by the way, is the short term for a newbie. For veteran gamers, they are the annoying bunch of geeks who keeps on asking and complaining about almost anything they see. I happen to be the exact living stereotype.

As a big brute, standing almost seven feet, weighing almost a ton and wielding a large warhammer, I started to pound on the most common creature on the island…a small green bird (no larger than a dove). But what a bird it was! I pummeled that thing for almost sixty seconds before it died! That was some tough bird! Some birds die instantly out of slingshots, and my pounding could’ve crushed a car! This bird also cost half of my lifebar! This is no ordinary bird after all, this noob island really is weird! (beside the fact it’s populated by geeks) So I started my adventure hunting the tough and deadly green birds of satan.

I took frequent “time-outs”, spending some idle time sitting down, trying to regain my hitpoints (life) as time goes by. These breaks somehow led me into thinking, and it leads into a serious of questions regarding my existence. What am I? What am I going to do on this island? What is my mission? My goal in life? Just to kill demonic green birds till someone rescue me?

Then I started asking the people around me…who are, in fact, also seem to kill every demonic green bird on the island. I asked an Atrox character, my own race…but he just ran past by me.
I also tried asking a bald guy who is running infront a blank gray wall…obviously, he’s not going anywhere so I asked him. He immediately replied “GET LOST FAG!!!”. I couldn’t believe it, I was in the game for less than an hour then a stupid bald guy running on a wall (hoping that the wall would budge someday, I guess) called me a fag!

Maybe it was a mistake, so I asked him again. He said “I’M BUSY IDIOT”. I still couldn’t believe it! What is he doing anyway? So I let my character leave the game for a while. Maybe there is a discrimination between big brute Atroxes on that island. So I started the game again. Now I played a bald alien call Nano-mages, hoping that I would be as “busy” as that guy who run through walls. So there I was again on the same plane crash, same island, same evil bird. Now I was really busy! Because the green birds are manhandling me! It seems that hand-to-hand combat aren’t the thing for these thin, bald guys. I thought bald guys are tough, like Bruce Willis. Anyway, I discovered that they have magic, or what the game called Nano-Programs. There is a spell that summons a creature called “The manifestation of anger”. It was a big floating ugly ball with horns. COOL! So then it was me and this floating thing against the evil birds. Then I came across old bald guy again…but it seems that he’s only staring blankly at the wall now. That doesn’t seem to be a busy gesture. As expected, I was insulted again. For the second time, in a different character now, he called me a faggot. Now that is really insulting! I don’t suck dicks! What have I done to deserve this?

So again I created a new character, a beautiful girl this time. An adventurer named “ALIAS2005”…since ALIAS, ALIAS2, ALIAS3, ALIAS1001 and ALIAS2004 are taken. The adventurer is one hell of a character! She heals herself without medikits, and could slash the evil birds with ease! This is even easier than the big mongoloid guy! Not only that, I also got the attention I wanted. Many characters started to heal me when they see my life is going down, even though I don’t know them. They also greet a lot, giving me some emoticon smiles. I thought to myself “this is adventuring!”. Even that bald guy who busily stares at walls gave special attention to me, even gave me a good armor! I think he found a new "wall" to stare and run into.

Wait a minute! Then it came to me...just because I played a “girl” character in the game, these guys thought I’m a real hot girl! Nerds! So I reached level 20 by manipulating the nerds to my bidding. Using words like “you look cute :)”, “hihihihihihi, yur funny”, “you’re so strong!”, “thank you honey!”, “I like heroic hot men like you!”, and “it’s HOT” while removing my armor. I was in the big robotic city now, where the higher level dorks are found. But it seems that the higher level males are more easier to bait...it seems the leveling system in AO doesn't only show your ingame experience, but your level of geekness as well!


Then it started to get boring. There is always a group of male characters follow me wherever I go. When I start to hit a disobedient android, my “suitors” would start to display their special powers and annihilate the poor droid. Good thing this game doesn’t have a “gang rape” option. These guys would always ask me where I live, what do I look like, when/where can they see me. So, due to public demand, I created a Friendster account using a picture of Heart Evanghelista. I also included some description like “I like men who play MMORPGs! I would only make love to those kind of men!” and gave the link to them.

In a few hours, I already have my own clan. I also get 250 messages in an hour. It all seems to good to be true, and it starts to sicken me. So I went back using my Guurg character again, my first one. I was back in noob island, bashing green birds.

I guess I feel better this way.




BTW…I’ve met the Pope back in 1995.