Random pics (mostly stupid)...

The legendary "super ghost karate losers"


Grendel - The devil cat

"Of hooks and jet packs", a short story

oooooh! Jet packs!




“Well well! Who do we have here?” the old man spoke as he coughed violently at the same time.

The boy politely removed some beads of saliva, phlegm, blood, and a mixture of the three on his young face as he observed his grandfather with pity. The old man’s eyes squinted, trying very hard to clearly visualize the image of his grandson as he brutally coughed again. “So, you’re truly indeed old enough to decide your fate!”

The boy wished that he could open his mouth to speak, but he realized it would be very hazardous. The old fart could give him another load of those malignant mucous anytime now. He wouldn’t even dare want a speck of it in his mouth. That is really gross…and appalling.

The old man lifts his hook up, shaking it like a closed fist. As you know, dear reader, this man has hooks instead of human hands. The end points of these hook aren’t sharp, instead they are completely dull, like it was never used for eons and eons and God knows when. ”So I guess you’ve decided to have grappling hooks instead of jet packs eh?” the old man questioned as he immediately grabbed the flabbergasted little boy. Now, he was about to cut the kid’s little hands with a large butcher knife specially designed to be grabbed by a hook. I know it’s hard to imagine, but there is such a product! The young boy quickly withdrew his innocent hands away from the clutches…errr…hooks of his father’s father. His scared little eyes started to wet and his lower lip started to quiver, giving all his best efforts to hold back the tears, even though he knew that his efforts are futile.

“C’mon young lad! There are only two types of men in this world; Men with jet packs and men with grappling hooks. Now if you don’t want to grow up and stay as a measly, defenseless little brat then you should like those cowardly men with jet packs!” his grandfather yelled as he withdrew another few rounds of vicious coughs.

His grandson remained quiet. He knew it was disrespectful to answer back to old people, specially the hook-handed ones. He also knew that men with grappling hooks are mean and bitter people. His own father died because of bitterness and jealousy.

He always wished he was a man with jet packs. These kind of men could freely roam the skies like an eagle with a slow-paced vertical movement, while men with grappling hooks rely on something to grab on…like a skyscraper or a stone gargoyle sitting on a tall cathedral. This boy has been dreaming on riding those large jet packs since he was smaller than what he is now. Sadly, his whole family line has been devoted to those evil grappling hooks, even before the birth of Sir Hookely Hodges, the great Grappling Hooker. This boy despise those hooks. I guess the loathe against this despicable device replaced for human hands started on the death of his father, then his brother who mistakenly grabbed on to nothingness instead of a ledge. Then his cousin Wigley, who tried to smack the mosquito on his face with a hook and died.

For him, these hooks are really bad omen, a sign of doom, a symbol of dread and despair. But it seems it is very hard to convince a “90 year old unhealthy man” who spent most of his bitter life in bitterness and hatred to those proud men in jet packs. He also remember a man named “Damon N. Damon” who uses a golden jet pack and a nice set of aerial goggles and leather cap. He met the famous man one day when he was looking at the “Great jet packs in history” display at their local museum, just beside the Licketty Theater where the great performances of “Mia Misseoures, women of the skies” are featured. This man said to him "Move away, you little schmuck!" and at that instant, he was inspired by the pride of this man and thos men like him.

But all of that are just wishful thinking. As he looked back at the old man who’s violently putting out another cough, he couldn't help but sob.

His grandfather squinted again and his face was filled with compassion on what he saw.

”C’mon now. I didn’t mean to disappoint you…come here…” the 90-year old opened his arms to embrace the child. And it took a few moments before his grandson decided to acknowledge his offer of comfort.

”Come here…So I can chop off those hands of yours!!!” the boy’s grandpa yelled as he reached for his hands again with a little more fury but undetectable because of old age. The kid immediately ran back as his old man stumbles down the floor, giving all his best efforts to reach the child.

The little kid moved farther away from the hands….err…hooks of his grandfather, who now realized the he couldn’t do anything to convince his child to be one of his kind. He grinned at the small kid like he never had grinned before in his entire life.

The child now realizes that it is a vicious and cruel world. He realized that men are divided. That it is either you're with them or against them. It is hard to live the peaceful life knowing that many people despise you for being who you are. The realizations are too hard to bear!

It took a moment until the child opened his mouth, “I’m sorry grandpa. Upon realizing a lot of things, I want to be neither a man with a jet pack nor with a grappling hook. I want to be a man who rides horses instead".

The old man was dumbfounded. As the boy slowly leaves through the door, his mouth was still frozen in place, even if his jaw was heavily placed on the hard wood floor.

Then that boy soon became Billy the Kid, one of the most famous young cowboys in history.



So dear readers, what have we learned from this story that I’ve created?




Yes. Old people are annoying, stupid farts.

The truth about men and dogs

Hey! What is this?!


For more than 9,000 years, man have domesticated dogs and sheltered them into their homes. Some old carvings of domesticated dogs have been found in Jaguar Cave long before the existence of email. The old Chinese empire has been using dogs for hunting and war. Even the ancient Egyptians had mummified domesticated dogs, according to archeological findings. Yet, even with that vast amount of time given to us, we really don’t have any idea why do they exist there with us.

We just know that men and dogs could exist together under one roof, like a member of the family (or even better than your jerk brother). As if there’s a special connection between them (it could either be mental or just the plain smell), and everyone has to agree that dogs are truly man’s best friend.

And because of these strong facts, women (not exactly in general) tend to compare these mutts to men. Isn’t that amazing? Definitely, we can’t compare women to dogs, since dogs can’t spend 8 hours in a shopping mall and drain your credit limit. Although we oftentimes call them bitches, women still have more proof in their hands than we have against theirs. Before I get more confused knowing who have more proof against the other who have lesser proof against the better, I should go on and present the proof that my female friend gave me:

1) Dogs love food

Whenever you approach your pet dog, they would always seem to get very excited. I’m sorry, it’s not that they miss you or they are very happy to see you again…they’re just excited because they expect you to give them food. That’s it. Even if you don’t have any food in your hands, they would always expect that it would come around anytime. Sometimes they even fantasize about your thick arm and how they would spend all day chewing on that large chunk of meat. When you set them for a walk, they would always sniff around just to look for food. They would often sniff their own turd and hope that it's food. Sometimes they do consider dung as part of their diet...making a healthy recycling process.

Like dogs, most men always think about food as well. Even if they’re already eating, they would always think forward and wonder about the next meal (which usually occurs less than an hour). Sometimes it even represents power and masculinity, the one who eats more than anyone else on the table is “macho”. The Philippine National Police, for example, is a heavily equipped with these “macho” guys. Most men are not too typical about taste, texture, presentation, or how they are cooked...they would eat anything! Even dog s for that matter!

2) They are sex driven

Dogs are also mad with mating…so does men. Like food, sexual activity also represents masculinity. Being a man-whore is never a bad thing…actually, men would even bow down to you in reverence. Dogs aren’t ashamed of their sexuality as well...if they see a bitch down the street, they would sniff and lick their butt, then bang her that instant. Privacy is not that important to dogs. Most men today doesn't care about privacy as well. They still love to do "sexual acts" in public (or in another public form: media). Also, most of them are desperate to bone Anne Curtis. Come on! She’s a sweet, charming, little girl…don’t treat her as a slut! Well, there are proofs but then who cares?! She’s a still a sweet little girl with an annoying voice.

3) They piss anywhere

I remember a time when I try to find a decent restaurant where I could take a leak. My colleague said that I should piss at a nearby wall. I hesitated and he called me gay. Mind you, my colleague is a homo. When a homo (real fag) tells you’re gay (a pinoy desription of weak), then you must be the gayest guy in Makati at that time. I got really pissed off that I wet my pants. C’mon, it’s not a macho thing! It’s decency! Dogs pee around to mark territory in order for them remember where they are, most men pee around just because they have to?!

So, the facts given above are really strong. But unlike females (who has this passion of stereotyping people), we men are all not the same. Some men are not sex-driven. Some men are not hungry bastards. Some men don’t just piss off wherever they felt the need. Too bad they are attracted to the wrong type of guys.

It's just that women always get the "fucked-up" type of men. These guys are scams. They are the "Family First" of menhood. So ladies, don't spread your legs on these type of oafish apes so you won't end up with ridiculous theories and judgements.



My skin is badly burnt.

The new pope.



OW!

My skin is burning.

Here’s a wise tip.
If you’re going swimming, put some sunblock and let it dry for at least half an hour. If not, the water would just wash away the lotion and you’ll get badly burned.

Awww…I can’t even type normally without hurting my skin.

All apologies

sponsor


I apologize for yesterday's rant.

I also aplogize for not including Willie Revillame. That loud-mouth sex maniac. He's so annoying that nobody wants to be with him. He should also die in a cruel, bitter death.

My good friend and former writer of Weirdworks, the Godfather, has a blog as well. Check out my links. Please give some time to visit his blog instead of your usual smutt surfing.

Have a nice weekend!

Kids are smarter than adults

Why do I always end up with hate updates? Anyway, here goes….


If I would recommend a book to an average person, it would be the Lemony Snicket’s “A Series of Unfortunate Events”. Sure, it’s a kid’s book, that’s why I picked an average person, it’s an easy read! I wouldn’t recommend “Harry Potter” to an average person, because it promotes devil-worshipping and read by geeks. Back to the topic: I love the Lemony Snicket’s series because of three things:

1. It depicts reality. Reality is truly dark and gloomy. Forget about personal perspective, it’s all dark and gloomy out there. You would only have joy when you make fun on the misery of others. That’s why I love the book.

2. The children are always smarter than adults.

3. There is no number three. So, the children are always smarter than adults.

I would like to stick to the latter. Children are indeed wonderful creatures. Sure, they’ bite,,,but aside the annoyance of their restlessness and odor, they often know life better than us, adults. If in case you’re a kid reading this, then you have earned 7 years of bad luck, send this articleto 10 people tonight or you will DIE anytime in uh…7 years.

Anyway, where was I? Oh…adults! Many adults are insane. Sometimes they don’t act their age or gender. Adults often quarrel and beat each other up. Adults eat and drink more than they could manage.
So kids, be happy and cherish what you have right now, which is youth. When you get older, you would start to become more and more of an idiot. Adults often quarrel about small, unimportant things. Instead of quarreling on how they could improve the slowly drowning economy of our country, they would fight about sex videos.

FAG

Take Boy Abunda for example. This bald faggot even risked his career (if indeed he has one) to prove that it is Ethel Booba in the “Ethel Booba Sex Video”. Now, it doesn’t need a smart adult to figure it out. If you’ve seen the video, you’ll know it’s Ethel Booba. No slut would do that but Ethel Booba herself. This is definitely a No-Brainer. I don’t know why Boy Abunda is yakking about.

Aside from “exposing” this video, he also defended another sex video which a talent in his company is involved. I’m talking about Piolo Pascual, another fag. Jude Estrada’s bitch. Again, it doesn’t need a very smart adult to prove this one. Too bad kids aren’t allowed to watch those sex videos…for them this is easier to find out than Waldo in a crowd of caricatures.

Is there a need for this network war? I wouldn’t even tell that you act like kids. Kids are more mature than adults now. Kids are contented with candies and sufficient playtime. Adults are never content with million peso villas, 20 gallons of beer, an fx full of whores, 4 wives, 20 cars that they would never use, killing their best friend, exposing a sex video that could destroy a colleagues’ career, or just being plain straight.

I wish I was a kid again.

I wish Boy Abunda would die a very cruel death.

I hate HATE updates.

I don't want to be the next Pope...

Now, he is truly ONE with the force.



...because I'm not qualified.

But as you know, (maybe you have known this from the news or you're a Dan Brown fan) there would be a "conclave" of cardinals where they would vote and decide a new Pope amongst them. This is a very spiritual, sacred and "secret" act that they would never leave the "conclave" without giving the Roman Catholic church a new Spiritual Leader.

In the olden times, the process always took a vast amount of time. Wherein the cardinals finally decides on a new Pope out of hunger or boredom.

With only a week before the 18th of April, where the process would begin, the Catholic church remains still (like Regine Velasquez's fake nose). There are tough contenders from Italy (they desperately want it back to them), and even more on third world countries. Here's a list of the top Papal candidates frequently mentioned by scholars, journalists and other Vatican watchers.

Francis Arinze, 72, Nigerian, a Vatican official. For many years, the top Catholic leader from Africa. Key figure arranging interfaith dialogue among Catholics, Muslims and Hindus. Very famous among the lay people, since he could possibly be the first Black Pope. The Papal Bling-Bling. Gangsta-pope. Diggit?

Angelo Scola, 63, patriarch of Venice. Popular among cardinals who want to return the papacy to Italy but prefer a tough follower of John Paul's ideas. There are three more strong candidates from Italy, all gay.

Claudio Hummes, 70, archbishop of Sao Paulo, Brazil. A Franciscan priest, strong on interfaith relations and the needs of poor people. A strong candidate from Latin America...which now has 21 voting Cardinals, who could be called "The Papal Posse" in the near future.

Yoda, 900, Jedi Master, Senior member of the Jedi Concil, strong candidates among geeks. Can wield a light saber, thanks to ILM. Speaks backward. Sounds like Sesame Street's Grover on crack. Many believed he was dead on Dagobah.

Micheal Pope, 55, crappy british actor, thought he was a candidate. Stupid brits.




Jeff Goldblum, 52, famous actor, mathematician, chaos theorist, could predict the doom of civil society, science and technology. Total ass.


For Dan Brown fans, sorry...there is no anti-matter, fags.

Please don’t forget about fat bastard

After one week, the story of First Gentleman Arroyo and his lavish lifestyle in Las Vegas starts to die down. I’m writing this now because I want to keep the fire burning! Please folks, Malacanang is doing everything to let this news fade away like the highly-guarded prisoners at Camp Crame. Recah Trinidad had been silent already. So is Mr. Arroyo’s pet dog, Mon Tulfo. This news should continue to get some heat folks!

Maybe this picture would help…


Not luxurious?

According to the news, the suite occupies a total of 12,000 square feet of floor space, has its own swimming pool, a front garden and other amenities.

It was “Not luxurious”according to the younger Arroyo, Iggy “Ignacio” and Bacolod City Representative Monico Puentevella who said the First Gentleman was given a complimentary room by the MGM Grand but it was not luxurious.

"It was complimentary. I stayed with him in the room and it was ordinary,” the younger Arroyo said in a telephone interview.

But Arroyo and Puentevella denied rumors that the First Gentleman was the Filipino who had rented the $20,000-a-night suite in the Las Vegas hotel to watch the Morales-Pacquiao boxing match.

Could any other Filipino afford this kind of luxury if not the highest bastard of them all?

Guys and gals, $20K is more than a million pesos dammit! We work so hard day and night just to get our salaries deducted by 10% and let this fat bastard spend it lavishly?! That’s why this guy is so fat…he even eats money! He’s even worse than fat bastard himself. Then here comes Mon Tulfo, proclaiming him as saint. I hope Mike would get so hungry that he would even devour Tulfo and choke to death.

I had enough for this day.

Confessions of a game whore

I'm a dork.



After playing Anarchy Online (AO) for a week using different characters (simultaneously!), the Pope died.

I think it’s a sign.

A sign for me to turn off my computer for the first time in days and quit the MMORPG crap.

For those of you who are still clueless…AO has a large gaming world and you have all the freedom in your hands. It starts with a registration of character, where I chose a race of brutes named Atrox. I also chose a profession they call an enforcer…or simply, a player who bashes things in close combat. I started giving names that continuously rejected by the server, saying that the name has already taken. So I started giving weird names (those names no one would ever think of…or even use) like fatfatfatbastard, biguglydork, shiteater, gaylord, idonthaveagirlthatiswhyiplaygames, but ended with a name as simple as Guurg (because Gurg is taken as well).

You would always start as this hopeless survivor in the same spaceship, it crashes into what they call “noob island”. Noob, by the way, is the short term for a newbie. For veteran gamers, they are the annoying bunch of geeks who keeps on asking and complaining about almost anything they see. I happen to be the exact living stereotype.

As a big brute, standing almost seven feet, weighing almost a ton and wielding a large warhammer, I started to pound on the most common creature on the island…a small green bird (no larger than a dove). But what a bird it was! I pummeled that thing for almost sixty seconds before it died! That was some tough bird! Some birds die instantly out of slingshots, and my pounding could’ve crushed a car! This bird also cost half of my lifebar! This is no ordinary bird after all, this noob island really is weird! (beside the fact it’s populated by geeks) So I started my adventure hunting the tough and deadly green birds of satan.

I took frequent “time-outs”, spending some idle time sitting down, trying to regain my hitpoints (life) as time goes by. These breaks somehow led me into thinking, and it leads into a serious of questions regarding my existence. What am I? What am I going to do on this island? What is my mission? My goal in life? Just to kill demonic green birds till someone rescue me?

Then I started asking the people around me…who are, in fact, also seem to kill every demonic green bird on the island. I asked an Atrox character, my own race…but he just ran past by me.
I also tried asking a bald guy who is running infront a blank gray wall…obviously, he’s not going anywhere so I asked him. He immediately replied “GET LOST FAG!!!”. I couldn’t believe it, I was in the game for less than an hour then a stupid bald guy running on a wall (hoping that the wall would budge someday, I guess) called me a fag!

Maybe it was a mistake, so I asked him again. He said “I’M BUSY IDIOT”. I still couldn’t believe it! What is he doing anyway? So I let my character leave the game for a while. Maybe there is a discrimination between big brute Atroxes on that island. So I started the game again. Now I played a bald alien call Nano-mages, hoping that I would be as “busy” as that guy who run through walls. So there I was again on the same plane crash, same island, same evil bird. Now I was really busy! Because the green birds are manhandling me! It seems that hand-to-hand combat aren’t the thing for these thin, bald guys. I thought bald guys are tough, like Bruce Willis. Anyway, I discovered that they have magic, or what the game called Nano-Programs. There is a spell that summons a creature called “The manifestation of anger”. It was a big floating ugly ball with horns. COOL! So then it was me and this floating thing against the evil birds. Then I came across old bald guy again…but it seems that he’s only staring blankly at the wall now. That doesn’t seem to be a busy gesture. As expected, I was insulted again. For the second time, in a different character now, he called me a faggot. Now that is really insulting! I don’t suck dicks! What have I done to deserve this?

So again I created a new character, a beautiful girl this time. An adventurer named “ALIAS2005”…since ALIAS, ALIAS2, ALIAS3, ALIAS1001 and ALIAS2004 are taken. The adventurer is one hell of a character! She heals herself without medikits, and could slash the evil birds with ease! This is even easier than the big mongoloid guy! Not only that, I also got the attention I wanted. Many characters started to heal me when they see my life is going down, even though I don’t know them. They also greet a lot, giving me some emoticon smiles. I thought to myself “this is adventuring!”. Even that bald guy who busily stares at walls gave special attention to me, even gave me a good armor! I think he found a new "wall" to stare and run into.

Wait a minute! Then it came to me...just because I played a “girl” character in the game, these guys thought I’m a real hot girl! Nerds! So I reached level 20 by manipulating the nerds to my bidding. Using words like “you look cute :)”, “hihihihihihi, yur funny”, “you’re so strong!”, “thank you honey!”, “I like heroic hot men like you!”, and “it’s HOT” while removing my armor. I was in the big robotic city now, where the higher level dorks are found. But it seems that the higher level males are more easier to bait...it seems the leveling system in AO doesn't only show your ingame experience, but your level of geekness as well!


Then it started to get boring. There is always a group of male characters follow me wherever I go. When I start to hit a disobedient android, my “suitors” would start to display their special powers and annihilate the poor droid. Good thing this game doesn’t have a “gang rape” option. These guys would always ask me where I live, what do I look like, when/where can they see me. So, due to public demand, I created a Friendster account using a picture of Heart Evanghelista. I also included some description like “I like men who play MMORPGs! I would only make love to those kind of men!” and gave the link to them.

In a few hours, I already have my own clan. I also get 250 messages in an hour. It all seems to good to be true, and it starts to sicken me. So I went back using my Guurg character again, my first one. I was back in noob island, bashing green birds.

I guess I feel better this way.




BTW…I’ve met the Pope back in 1995.