My Best Movie for 2006

Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow

As the year of 2006 starts to close, we had a share of fun movies, the not-so-fun, the dreadful Van Wilder 2 types and the “Please kill me now” abominations like Star Cinema’s You are the One.

Even though I’m an avid moviegoer and film buff, I only watch foreign films. Sorry, I have no remorse for the dying Philippine film industry. I really don’t give a freaking sh*t about all the local garbage they make, let them all quiver on a painful death so we could see that idiot Sam Milby work at Mcdonalds again.
You know the common schtick! When you watch a local comedy film…there would always be a group of guys finding a job, they get kicked out, there would always be a female dorm in the neighborhood, there would be always a “harana” scene, a “beach/outing” scene, female partner/s gets kidnapped in the end, they would go to the secret bodega, they would become instant action stars, police comes in the end. There you go. I just spoiled another comedy movie.Are there any good movies in the upcoming MMFF? I don’t care! It’s more of a ‘Mother Lily Monteverde Film Festival’ anyway.

Enough of that, I’m here to give to give you my choice of this year’s best film. Surely, Mary Antoinette, Pride & Prejudice and Brokeback Mountain are out, I’m not dull and I’m not queer. Theatrical films should be fun, exhilarating and should to put you on the edge of your seat (!)…not bore you to death with English accents, tedious dialogues, melodramatic monotones and 18^th century clothing. If you want that fucking type of story, read a Nicholas Sparks book!

It’s hard for me to say this, but Martin Scorsese’s “The Departed” made second place. I know, I know…it deserves to be the best movie because it’s a classy Scorsese film: everybody gets a headshot at pointblank range and dies at their own pool of blood! That’s fucking cool! You went there to see all the blood and gore while people would see you as sophisticated and intelligent for appreciating the film!

But what appeals more to me is a pirate film. Shiver me timbers! And no one could deliver that than Johnny Depp doing a Keith Richards impersonation again as Captain Jack Sparrow in their second film: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest. Aside from being my personal choice, it also landed as the top grossing film of 2006 with a whopping $250 million in a dreaded treasure chest hidden somewhere in Disneyland.

I don’t care what critics say. I don’t care about those faggots anyway. This is my movie of the year!

You may ask how. You see, I have a strict list of requirements for a “Movie of the Year” category: it must have a huge monster, a cool looking villain, a developing plot, and an unfulfilled ending. Pirates didn’t only comply with the requirements, it surpassed them astoundingly.



1. Huge Monster – this goes to the Kraken! A hideous beast in the heart of the wretched sea. A nightmare only heard in tavern tales and folklore. It devours on ships, islands and actors who portray Willie Wanka.

2. Davey Jones – the cool villain of the seven seas! Captain of the famous folklore ship, the Flying Dutchman. A cruel, sadistic, and hate-filled personality…sounds more like Mike Arroyo eh? But what’s more cool…this guy can play a piano with his beard! Shiaiks!

3. The plot also thickens within this second film. The first one feels like a Disney ride, puzzling. It reminds me of the Matrix Trilogy but that fell flat after giving out so many loose ends. I believe this movie is far different: It’s not directed and written by the Wachowski retards and it doesn’t have Keanu Reeves in it. Thank you God!

4. An unfulfilled ending! – Just like the Empire Strikes Back where Han Solo got frozen in carbonite, Luke just heard the black dude telling him he was his father while cutting his arm…it was then halted for future business opportunities. Many people burned a lot of movie houses because of disappointment. But we have to realize the excitement of an unfulfilled ending. Unlike premature ejaculation, this is prolonging the desire! When Geoffrey Rush stepped in, I knew this would be continued on a next chapter…because I’ve been watching the movie for more than 2 hours already! So I said “I think this is over. The scene will be cut for next year” in a very loud manner. The crowd were really pissed, but it’s true! And the truth hurts.

So there! Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest is definitely my movie of the year. It’s not perfect though. I was also wishing for Kierra Knightley to have a love scene with an octopus but it never happened.

No movie is perfect pal, no movie is perfect.